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a lot of people live their lives in hopes to find their one true love. Some yearn so much for it that they believe no happiness can be found until they find their significant other. Considering love has become duped into this simplest form. 

but I don’t think you find love just once. And i don’t think you find in one person either.

I think you just find it in moments.

like the certain things he says or when your best friend just says just right thing  or your mom cooks your favorite thing for dinner after a having a long day. and you get that happy little feeling your heart that makes you smile.

I think so many of us believe we don’t have this love in our lives and then choose to loathe each other because we expect this to be consistent. As if, with everything a person you care about says and does should jolt this feeling, and especially when you need it the most and that they don’t. And that is when we feel the most alone and disappointed. People proclaim hatred because of incidents with their mothers, fathers, lovers and friends. Relationships torn apart and then this fear of connecting with anyone else.  

But thats just the thing. as beings we’re imperfect, we’re inconsistent and forever changing. but the very fact that for a single moment we are able to make each other feel this feeling, I think we should find the most pleasure in.  these loves are just speculated in everyone we meet. And everyone we connect with in some way or another. I’ve had friends who taught me things my mother couldn’t. Infatuations that taught me how to give and care. Friends that motivated and inspired me in ways that relinquished my necessity for constant romantic love and new love in myself.

There is no mom that knows how to give a mother’s love and role, there is no friend that knows what is means to be the perfect friend, and there is no husband or wife or lover that knows what it means to truly love.

I think that that may just be the truth of human connection. Love isn’t formulated into a single souls that can give it to you. Whether it be that of a lover, a mother, a father or friend or those we think have let us down and hurt us. I’m not saying either one is more necessary than the other, or that this may be an excuse for people to be unfaithful to each other, but I’ve realized love is just the accumulation of the sentiments that the people in our lives give us. So stop waiting around for that boy of your dreams or loathing the mistakes of your mother. Everyone in your life that gave a moment in which you felt connected and cared for, showed you love and perhaps if we savored the moments, we’d never again feel unloved. 

because i feel so helpless and so weak. and i feel so alone and so unhappy. 

i don’t know what i’m doing anymore, i don’t know who you are and i’ve lost so much. i wish with one sweep i could change the way you think and see or change the way i do just so for ONCE we can match and i don’t have to feel like pi in the middle of the ocean waiting to die.

i don’t connect. i barely do. 

and my best friends are not my own kind yet they are my best of friends and if i could let you see what i see i would and if i could hold you all close and let you all love each other how i love each and every one of you i would be content. 

because i don’t want to pick and choose and i don’t know why love so comforting can be so sinful and i’m sorry that it is

and if i could change everything about me to fit in your life i would and if i could make her happy without letting her down i would

and i could give you everything of me and let you enter my life with open arms i would.

but life is full of barbed wire fences who’s cuts and bruises leave a longer scar than anything else ever could and i could destroy them all with love i would. 

i’ve broken down barriers created by my ancestors and my paradigm has shifted but i live with people who think i’m wrong and if i could look you in the eye and tell you that i know i am not wrong i would, but i can’t

because i spend too many hours wondering if all my wrong deeds have summed up to my unhappiness and every mistake i’ve ever made and all the loneliness i’ve ever felt.

they say god is good and that his mercy is everlasting but his fury is what to be feared. so if i am to love him i am to fear him but yet i am so wrong.