rambles.

because i feel so helpless and so weak. and i feel so alone and so unhappy. 

i don’t know what i’m doing anymore, i don’t know who you are and i’ve lost so much. i wish with one sweep i could change the way you think and see or change the way i do just so for ONCE we can match and i don’t have to feel like pi in the middle of the ocean waiting to die.

i don’t connect. i barely do. 

and my best friends are not my own kind yet they are my best of friends and if i could let you see what i see i would and if i could hold you all close and let you all love each other how i love each and every one of you i would be content. 

because i don’t want to pick and choose and i don’t know why love so comforting can be so sinful and i’m sorry that it is

and if i could change everything about me to fit in your life i would and if i could make her happy without letting her down i would

and i could give you everything of me and let you enter my life with open arms i would.

but life is full of barbed wire fences who’s cuts and bruises leave a longer scar than anything else ever could and i could destroy them all with love i would. 

i’ve broken down barriers created by my ancestors and my paradigm has shifted but i live with people who think i’m wrong and if i could look you in the eye and tell you that i know i am not wrong i would, but i can’t

because i spend too many hours wondering if all my wrong deeds have summed up to my unhappiness and every mistake i’ve ever made and all the loneliness i’ve ever felt.

they say god is good and that his mercy is everlasting but his fury is what to be feared. so if i am to love him i am to fear him but yet i am so wrong.